Introverted. Quiet. Shy. Hermit. Wallflower. Observer. Silent. Anti-social.
These are all words that describe me. They are also easy to say and use as labels for myself. But this is me.
Since 4th grade, I’ve been quiet. I was told I was precious a few too many times and decided to shut up and lock up the other parts that made me, me. No one could say I was precious or cute or funny if I didn’t talk and show them. I talked so little, kids referred to as the “girl of many faces”.
Since then, I have navigated school, college, friends and my career being the quiet girl. The one most people didn’t even notice. I was so and so’s friend, often without a name and certainly never remembered.
In my mind, if I could achieve ultimate anonymity, I didn’t have to live up to any other standard than my reputation as being the quiet one. I could dodge confrontation and responsibility because I was lurking in the shadows.
Hiding from others behind this silent facade, has also allowed me to hide from myself. I have been in denial of who I am and have believed the lies that “things don’t happen to me” and “I’m not that person”. I’ve given myself a pass on achieving anything more than daily survival.
It’s affected everything from the way I dress, to the guys I dated, to the way I don’t speak up about my ideas and principles. I’ve believed I’m a nobody.
I believe this is what’s called Impostor Syndrome. Perhaps not an actual syndrome in my case but the sentiment is the same. Imagine my own surprise when I felt this undeniable tug to start blog and build an Instagram following. I want to be a world changer, or at the very least, change my own little world and leave a legacy for my kids. But why me? Why would people care a thing about who I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going?
I have interests, hobbies and qualifications but I struggle to see them as anything more than self-claimed and therefore illegitimate. I see other influencers and their success and confidence and think, “that’ll never be me because I lack the credentials and personality”.
It Changes Now!
Today I’m going to own who I am! These are the things that make me who I am and with any luck, there will be a few things that intrigue you enough to keep you coming back for more!
A believer and a Christian
My parents took me to church regularly and taught me Christian values. I’ve had my weak times but I am finding my way and making my beliefs my own. There’s still a long way to go but can’t thank God enough for His patience with me.
After 11 years you’d think this one would have sunk in but sometimes I still feel like we’re just playing house instead of building a meaningful marriage. But whoa, 11 years is a pretty big deal!
A mother to 3
Yes, I birthed them and spend almost every waking hour with them but I still don’t always feel like a mom who is responsible for the physical, emotional and spiritual upbringing of these three little people.
A home school educator
Our son is going to a charter school this year, but prior to that, I’ve schooled our children at home. It hit me recently how I have never owned that! Perhaps it’s because my approach is “life is our school” but even still, I have never felt like a home schooling mom. I’ve definitely felt like a fake which has no doubt caused some missed opportunities.
(Shew this is getting harder….)
I’ve recognized a pattern in myself, eventually with friendships I start doubting my worth to the other person and I simply walk away before they have a chance to reject me. Why would anyone want to be my friend??? I see this now and am fighting hard to keep showing up for the women in my life.
A trusted adviser
I was accepted into a psychology program the same day I got a design job offer. I took the job. But the desire to help people never went away. I regularly get calls and texts from friends and family asking for my thoughts on relationships, parenting, health and what they should hang on their walls. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it!
An interior designer
I’ve neglected my own home and haven’t pursued a design career but the $26K I’ve spent the last 15 years paying off, gives me every right to claim this one! Yet I’ve spent years denying that this title belongs to me. But watch out world, or at least family because this house is about to get glammed up!
A graphic designer
Okay, this one feels like a stretch. I haven’t been professionally trained but rather self taught. Welcome to the school of Google and YouTube, right?!?! I’ve designed multiple logos as well as advertisements and other business graphics. So I’m going to own this, at least so far as being a “budding designer”.
This one is hard to claim. I’ve been dreaming this dream for years but assumed people would think, “who does she think she is? She’s not a blogger!” But I have a website, I’ve written blogs and I have to start somewhere! So I guess I’m a blogger! Eek!
I’m unique and was created to fulfill a need in this world. I may not always know what that is, but I know God thought enough to make me and make me who I am. Mine is a story to tell. It may not be filled with major plot twists and excitement but I guarantee it’s a story that will resonate with more than a few people! I’m on a mission to find those people!
This is ME!
Do you have trouble owning who you are? How has it changed the direction of your life? Will you comment below with some of the things that make you uniquely you?